


Kaltenecker joins the mob

by Metalotaku



Series: voltron mafia [3]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Comedy, Humor, M/M, Mafia AU, Smuggling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-02-10 14:54:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12914265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Metalotaku/pseuds/Metalotaku
Summary: so this is what side tracked me in the middle of my next chapter in my mafia au. it hit me like a ton of bricks and i couldn't stop. and i'm so happy and proud of this. so had to post it as soon as i finished it.





	1. auction

Welcome home Kalternecker part 1.

“So far this has been enlightening so far. Not sure what I was expecting from a black market auction. But this so far has been surprisingly interesting.” Lance whispered quietly at Keith champagne flute number 6 resting just off his lips.

“I think that’s gonna be your last one babe.” Keith chuckled lightly. “So far.” he chuckled again. 

“Hey, I’m just a little tipsy. I was nervous. Don’t know why though. This has been surprising normal.” Lance laughed quietly himself though head tilted down slightly and eyes closed. But he opened them to watch the stage once the auctioneer started to go into the next item. A small baby cow was brought out on stage. Lance almost choked on this drink. That was very different than the other items that had been presented already. A quick glance around though, noted Lance, that no one else seemed shocked. The auctioneer’s assistance were displaying pictures and x-rays on a projection on the stage.

“Ah we have a late piece to add, this parcel contains 300 carats of uncut diamonds from Sierra Leone. They range from 2-5 carats a piece.” the projector switched to images of a bunch of diamonds close up, maybe from a magnifying glass even. He continued on going over the quality of the diamonds.

Lance scrunched his brow up till he looked at the displayed x-rays. He had to hold back his laugh with his fist, but a small snort escaped.

“What is so funny?” Keith asked.

“It’s a cash cow. A literal cash cow.” Lance snorted, before throwing back the rest of his champagne to contain hos slap happy giggles at his own joke. Though he wasn’t alone. He turned his head to catch Kolivan clear his throat and try to cover the smile on his lips with his fist. 

Keith also quietly chuckled. “Yeah, yeah it is.”

“Added bonus of your purchase of this parcel, a nice veal diner.” the auctioneer chuckled. “I’m sure if the buyer would like, we can even find a list of well recommended butchers.” the auctioneer started to go through the slides again one more time before starting the bids.

The smile and mirth immediately fell from Lance’s face. “Keith, he’s joking right?”

“Joking about what?” Keith asked confused.

“About butchering the little cow.” Lance asked turning in his seat slightly to face Keith. “Someone isn’t really gonna do that right? They’ll take him to the vet, to get them out or just wait for them pass?”

“No, most likely they’ll just gut it and toss the carcass, maybe feed their dogs if they have them.” Keith says Matter of fatly with a shrug. Keith turned to face Lance, he gave his boyfriend a concerned look. “You ok Lance?”

Lance was stiff as a board mouth slack and face pale. Before he finally moved grabbing ahold of Keith leg shaking it. “We have to do something. We can’t let that happen to him.” 

“Lance what are talking about?” Keith asked taking Lance’s hand on his leg. 

Lance’s eyes darted to the cow then back to Keith. “The cow, you have to buy him, Keith.”

“It’s a cow Lance. I’m not buying a cow.” Keith deadpanned

“No, no, no. Keith you have to.” the bidding started. “Koli help me out here, tell him. Tell him to buy the baby.”

“Sorry Lance. That’s not my call. Or my place” Kolivan replied softly patting Lance’s leg.

“But…” Lance turned back to Keith. “Keith please we have to save him. He’s a baby.”

“It’s a cow Lance no…” Keith made the mistake of looking back at his boyfriend again to catch his eyes. Which were as wide as can be glistening with tears. Keith shifted his eyes down. Wrong move. Now he had a perfect view of Lance’s pouted quivering lip. He gulped and tried to set his face into a stern look. “It’s not going to happen Lance.” Keith tried to sound stern. Lance let out a soft whimper. “Stop that no!”

“Keith please. I’m begging you.” Lance kept his best puppy dog face up while clutching tightly with both of his hands to Keith’s nearest one. “Keith, please” he said in the most pitiful pleading voice he could working them tears out to the corner of his eyes. He watched as Keith’s brow started to twitch ever so slightly followed by a low growl and a number plate lifting into the air. Lance’s face immediately lit up.

“I can’t believe…”


	2. transport

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://taytei.tumblr.com/ Taytei on tumblr is who everyone should check out. because they did a marvelous job on my commision for this story. 
> 
> check it out here
> 
> <http://taytei.tumblr.com/post/176410176936/two-flat-colored-commissions-for-metalotaku-da-and>
> 
> be sure to check out their other work too. so much cuteness. 

“I can’t believe you made me buy a fucking cow.” Keith growled as the made their way to the car Lance walking along the calf by the rope lead. Though it was partially keeping his drunken boyfriend up right.

“You did so good baby. Kalternecker I and are super thankful too.” Lance cooed.

“Who the quiznack is… don’t fucking name it!” Keith hissed at Lance walking to him to link elbows and help move Lance along. Kolivan was already at the car taking care of their other purchases. Lance had insisted on taking the calf himself. Not trusting anyone else with the animal. The auctioneer and his staff had laughed it off about Keith’s significant other being drunk and wanting to keep his jewels close. Keith had muttered if only. “I don’t even know how we are getting the damn thing home.”

“He’s gonna ride in the back with me. You can have shot gun this time.” Lance informed him with a giant grin.

“You are not putting the cow in my car Lance.” Keith bit out.

“You are right. Cause I can’t lift him myself. We are putting him in the car.” Lance informed him.

“No we are not!” Keith stopped to glare at his boyfriend.


	3. home

“Hey did you guys have fun?” Pidge asks when Keith climbs out of the front passenger seat with a frown.

“Did you get anything good?” Matt asked when Kolivan climbed out of the driver with a barely contained grin. 

Kolivan went and opened the back door of the car as Keith went around the back of the car to assist. Grumbling the whole time. “Be gentle Keith. He’s scared.”

“He?” Allura asked alarmed as Lance’s feet finally came into view under the car door. Followed by 4 skinny little legs.

Just as Keith and Lance clear the door their purchase he lets out a little cry. “Is that a cow?” Shiro baulks. “Why did you buy a cow?”

“Technically Kaltenecker was free with purchase. And he is a calf.” Lance responded with a raised pointer finger. Keith just rolled his eyes and groaned. Kolivan closed the door behind them.

Allura had her hands cupped over her mouth. Her eyes sparkling. “Oh my goodness he’s so adorable.” Allura rushed forward to pet the little cow.

“I know right?” Lance responded. Keith left them to fawn over the cow and walked up to group.

Pidge cackled and shoved a finger in Keith’s face. “He made you buy a cow.”

“Lance can be very persuasive.” Kolivan said with a smirk as he joined them. Keith growled again. 

“Yeah ok, laugh it up. Someone call fucking Ulaz so we can start the animal paying for itself.” Keith instructed.

“Ah it’s a parcel. What did you buy?” Matt asked. “Why wasn’t it opened prior?”

“300 carats of diamonds.” Keith pulled an envelope from his inside pocket and handed it to Matt. “Late delivery. See if Ulaz can get them without killing the damn thing.”

Matt laughed for a moment before he caught the seriousness of Keith’s face. “You are not joking.” He looked over at Lance and Allura playing with it trying to coax it towards the house gently. With a confused Shiro nearby. “Oh. He’s…”

“Attached. And wants to save the fucking thing. Yes. Get the rocks so this headache can go away.” Keith grumbled walking past to the house.

“Why does that surprise you? He’s an angel. Pure as unicorn rainbows and shit.” Pidge stated bluntly.

“My first attempt to ease him into this did not pan out as I had hoped. And kind of showed he definitely isn’t ready, probably not even cut out for it.” Keith grumbled. “It’s not shock so much as disappointment.”

“Naw, he didn’t make a scene right? So it’s not a complete failure.” Pidge said with a shrug. “Take it slow and easy. Not all of us can be born demented demons. And angels can fall with the right incentives.” Keith gave her smirk as they climbed into the house. Matt with his nose in the pictures in the envelope phone out texting information to Ulaz.

“Thanks for the pep talk pidge.” Keith said kindly putting a hand on her shoulder. His smile dropped though as soon as he Shiro joined them in the house with Allura bent over behind him and Lance just outside the door with the cow between them. “No no no no! Are you crazy! You are not bringing the cow in the house.” Keith stormed forward. Pidge was cackling.

“Why not? She’s like a big a dog.” Lance stated.

“She what happened to he?” Matt asked.

“Lance didn’t check and just presumed.” Allura deadpanned.

“I didn’t think to check ok. It’s not like they said the gender.” Lance defended.

“It is not a dog. It’s a cow. And it’s not coming in my house.” Keith stated through grit teeth. Kolivan was struggling to contain his laughter as Lance started going into a pout. “No!” Keith shoved a finger out pointing to the floor for emphasis.

“She can’t stay outside. It’s cold out. And she’s probably hunger.” Lance started keeping his pout.

“Garage then. Put it in the garage and do not feed it till Ulaz takes care of the rocks.”

“But…”

“No! That’s final!”

“Come on guys. I’ll help you set up a nice space for her.” Pidge steps up to lead the group around to the garage patting the animal as she squeezes past. Allura and Lance follow with the calf.

“Wow, you are so whipped.” Matt blurts out suddenly after the group is out.

“Shove it! Shiro and Kolivan take care of the other items. I need a fucking drink.” Keith stormed deeper into the house headed for the bar.

“Money on the cow being in the house by tomorrow night. Lance will even buy her a dog bed.” Matt states heading to the office with the documents.

“I’ll take that bet. There is only so far Keith’s gonna let him push. I still can’t believe he bought it.” Shiro says taking Matt’s out stretched hand. “$500”

“Deal.”


	4. stomach issues

“I’m a doctor, not a vet.” Ulaz dead pans. “I can’t believe you even bought it.”

“I can’t believe it’s in the house.” Thace states disappointment dripping from his tone.

“I can’t believe I lost $500.” Shiro chimes in. “you let me down.”

“I know ok! I get it! Just…” Keith tossed his arm out in the direction of lance in his pjs holding a bottle up for the calf to drink from while hunk cooed with him and Allura. “It’s here now. We can’t kill it. And we need to move this along.” Keith let out a big sigh shoving his palms in his eyes.

“Technically we can kill it…” Antok started before Keith cut him off with a glare and a glance back to make sure the others hadn’t heard. Regris elbowed Antok hard in the ribs for the comment.

“I’m sorry Keith. But I’m not preforming surgery on a calf. Besides my lack of knowledge, it could kill it anyway since I’m not well versed in it. We also do not have the tools necessary to complete the task.” Ulaz looked over to the band as lance passed off the bottle to hunk and walked over to join the group. 

Thace was going over the documents that had come with the calf, as lance walked up. “The goods do seem to be of quality if this information is correct. You have that at least. And you didn’t pay too much.”

“Nobody wants to transport a quiznacking cow.” Keith deadpans.

“It wasn’t that bad. She just laid in the back seat with me.” Lance stated with a hand on Keith’s shoulder. “So do you guys know how to the crap out of her tummy? Or should we just like let her pass them. I hope that wouldn’t be more painful though. Or make her sick.”

Thace smiled at lance. “That might be the only solution that provides for the animal’s continued life. We can reassess it if the creature falls ill.”

“Kaltenecker is her name.” lance beamed at Thace.

Thace returned the smile. “For Kaltenecker’s wellbeing we will allow her to pass them naturally.”

Keith groaned. “Don’t encourage him, please.”

“Give her a chance Keith. I’m sure you’ll warm up to her.” Lance retorted.

“Yeah Keith, don’t you know, it’s just like a puppy.” Antok spoke up with a laugh. Regris choked a bit on his own laughter. Keith glared at them

“For that you two are on shit duty.” Keith stated bluntly.

“Shit duty?” Regris asked.

“She’s gotta pass them at some point and we don’t know when. So enjoy digging through the cow pies till each rock is accounted for.” Keith nodded his head at the packet of documents of the rocks.

Regris and Antok both stood in shocked silence. “You’re kidding right?” Regris breathed out.

“Nope.” 

Thace and Ulaz pressed their lips tight to hide their grins. While lance put a hand to the back of his head and rubbed it sheepishly as he gave Antok and Regris an apologetic look.


	5. a follow up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a follow up to this work

https://archiveofourown.org/works/15049487 if you are interested to check it out.


	6. Links to art work

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Be sure to check out taytei's other work too.

<http://taytei.tumblr.com/post/176410176936/two-flat-colored-commissions-for-metalotaku-da-and>

http://taytei.tumblr.com/ 


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